Dumpster Dive #2: Let them Cook

Can you smell the sweet scent of bin juice? You’ve stumbled upon Dumpster Dive, where we scrape the bottom of the barrel for decks to take to your next Commoner gig! Join us as we sift through the dregs for decklists that are kick-ass, giga-brain, or sometimes just downright deranged. Despite the limited card pool, we’ve only scratched the surface of what the world of budget beatdowns has to offer… If you’re willing to get your hands dirty!

Wait a minute, what do you mean Dumpster Dive didn’t get cancelled? What have I gotten myself into?

Going into this series, I did wonder to myself if I was handing over too much power to the community by letting them submit their own Commoner decklists. In all honesty, I don’t know what I expected from you, but uhh these were some of THE decklists of all time. You can LEGALLY play these in Commoner, but whether you can ETHICALLY play these in Commoner remains to be seen.

First of all, thank you to everyone who submitted a decklist, whether it was a competitively oriented pipe dream or Kavdaen-inspired borderline terrorism (you know who you are). I know last time I said we would feature a new decklist every month, but honestly the sheer level of CHEFFING I have experienced leaves me with no choice. We’re gonna have to do THREE.

Righto, let’s get scrounging for our first Landfill Legend…

Boneless Kano

You sit down against a Kano. No Storm Striders? No Aether Wildfire? No Blazing Aether? You smirk to yourself as you side into Arcane Barrier. Piece of cake. Your smile shatters in an instant when they flip up Talishar. You quickly lose all hope as the Kano attacks you with Scar for a Scar into Flock of the Featherwalkers into Wounding Blow into Talishar. It all goes downhill when they activate Kano, playing Come to Fight off the top of the deck. You’re in shambles. You frantically defend, gazing miserably at your useless pile of Nullrune. You die to Razor Reflex like the stupid fool you are.

This monstrosity of a deck was submitted by Andrea Biaggi with the sole purpose of inflicting not arcane damage, but emotional damage. There’s not a single burn spell in the deck, instead relying on cheap attacks and a variety of ways to generate go again, racing the opponent to the bottom. Being a Wizard at 15 life not only tricks your opponent into sideboarding incorrectly, it tricks them into playing incorrectly too, at least in the early stages of the game. You even have a few niche benefits such as Scar for a Scar being live from turn 1, and non-attack actions generating an extra action point when played from top of deck. If I had to describe this in one word, it would be ‘upsetting’.

Make a Wish Kassai

When I first read this submission I chuckled. Then something clicked in my brain, and I said “wait, no, that can’t actually work the way I think it does.” This was followed by a furious re-reading of the decklist, then a very quiet but still audible “oh my god.”

Allow me to introduce you to Make a Wish Kassai. Using Agility-makers from Heavy Hitters, this deck plays Moon Wish, searching Sun Kiss, gaining 3 life and drawing a card, into FREE weapon swings! Played in red and yellow, they also fuel Kassai’s hero ability.

You have Zoey Gerstner to thank for this GIGABRAIN strategy. The more I look at it, the more synergy I find. Drew all reds? Use Moon Wish’s alternative cost. Drew the Sun Kiss? Place it on top of your deck with Moon Wish then crack a Gold to draw into it. Moon Wish didn’t hit? SIKE, here’s Pummel! Yeah, it definitely hit. Zoey has even kindly included the ability to pivot into a more standard grindy playstyle with Blade Runners for the nursing home residents out there. This is quite possibly the smartest Commoner deck I have ever encountered.

Pencil Sharpener Benji

First of all, I have to commend Rayvie Anthony Pecajas for being the first person to submit a decklist, then only hours later, submitting AGAIN because he found new cards to add to the deck. Never stop cooking, King. Anyway, here’s Pencil Sharpener Benji, a deck designed to use Benji’s annoying hero ability to force through attacks like Plunge, Twin Twisters, and Brandish, all with the sole purpose of ‘sharpening’ Zephyr Needle so that it doesn’t pop. The deck reliably gives +2 to the Zephyr Needle, keeping it safe from Sink Belows and Fate Foreseens.

Rayvie has also packed in a variety of defensive cards to account for Benji’s lower life, such as Brush Off and Oasis Respite, some Outsiders combo goodness, as well as a number of bigger attacks like Surging Strike and Flying Kick to incentivise the opponent to defend, giving Benji more legroom to sit there maintaining his school stationery. Does the deck die to a single Unmovable? Well, yes. But how can you resist the temptation of playing a deck that will, in the words of Rayvie, “poke your opponents with small holes and make them cringe!”

And now… The moment you’ve all been waiting for…

Our very first Landfill Legend…

For her brilliant Make a Wish Kassai Deck…

ZOEY GERSTNER!

Congratulations, Zoey. You don’t win anything, but if you play the ambient sound of a crowd cheering in the background it will feel like you’ve won a prize. You’ve done an honourable service for all the Commoner Kassai fans out there. Yep, all uhh four of them.

To the rest of you, have you got what it takes to make Cadaverous Contraband Uzuri a threat worth getting a restraining order against? Have you been taking home the bacon with Decimator Great Axe Dorinthea? Does your Brandish Arakni deck slap harder than Will Smith in a bad mood? Submit your deck to the form below and you could become the next Landfill Legend!

I’m going to go wash my hands now… catch you in next month’s Dumpster Dive!