Dumpster Dive #12: Speeding, Reading, and Stampeding

Can you smell the sweet scent of bin juice? You’ve stumbled upon Dumpster Dive, where we scrape the bottom of the barrel for decks to take to your next Commoner gig! Join us as we sift through the dregs for decklists that are kick-ass, giga-brain, or sometimes just downright deranged. Despite the limited card pool, we’ve only scratched the surface of what the world of budget beatdowns has to offer… If you’re willing to get your hands dirty!

We're back... It's GARBAGE COLLECTION DAY!

For those of you who don't hang around alleyway dumpsters, Commoner has been through some MASSIVE changes as of late. Rosetta Thorn, Waning Moon, and Zephyr Needle are in the bin, which has given way to the rise of Enigma with Reality Refractor.

At World Tour: London, the Commoner Gold Foil event kicked off with a record breaking 90+ players! But unlike what you're about to see today, most attendees were running actually competent decks.

It always amazes me that just when I feel like we've scraped every single last morsel of muck from the bottom of the barrel with this series, I check the Submission Form and find a nauseating load of new trash just waiting for a valiant Commoner enjoyer to dive into. Credit where credit is due, some of y'all just don't know when to quit!

Let's scrounge for our next Landfill Legend...

Bad Ending Speedrun (Low %)

Winning is overrated. Aurora Kynkor (with credit to @Flesh and Bad and @LookingForAScrap) has taken it upon herself to speedrun the "bad ending" in Flesh and Blood. The goal of her deck is to lose as quickly as possible, by including nothing but non-blocking instants that target Heralds... and not a single Herald in sight.

The equipment has been carefully curated to be functionally useless. On paper, the Radiant equipment sounds like a great tool for preventing damage, but uh... not when you have no way to put cards into your soul. I'm a big fan of the certain matchup tech cards included such as Exposed, Memorial Ground, and Cracked Bauble.

Look, at least she's proved one thing—Illusionists can be beaten!

I Hate Reading

You ever just activate Spellbound Creepers and fall asleep mid-resolution? Does Enlightened Strike have too many modes to choose from? Are you constantly dying to Graphene Chelicera because you missed that it has stealth, even though you've seen this card a hundred times? Perhaps this innovative new deck comprised entirely of vanilla cards with no effect text is right for you! No more checking if a card does anything other than attack or defend, we're all about those numbers, baby!

This banger from Sulbin Park contains a wealth of flavour / reminder text for those out there who like to read on their own terms, but as far as gameplay is concerned, the most reading you'll have to do is if the opposing hero says "Wizard" or not. If it does, simply swap out the Evasive Leaps for Healing Balms (sorry, you will need to read the word "gain"), pop on your Nullrune (whatever that does lol), and you're good to go! Sure, you're at a disadvantage because your Wizard opponent can probably actually read, but it's not like they've got any books.

Paws Turbo

If there's one thing I never expected someone to be inspired by, it's the weird fascination with Zen's feet that 'kicked off' at Pro Tour: Los Angeles. Fabian Scholz has revived this dead meme in the form of a Dumpster Dive deck that contains only cards with pictures of feet on them. Funnily enough, this theme kind of works out for Ninjas...

The lengths Fabian has gone to to unearth the most prominent feet-ures playable in a Zen deck is staggering. What annoys me more than the incessant beating of a dead horse though, is that this deck is still somehow semi-functional with transcending, when it absolutely does not deserve to be. Can't wait to see how this one keeps Commoner fans on their toes...

And now… The moment you’ve all been waiting for…

Our eleventh Landfill Legend…

For her complete lack of awareness that a Shadow Runeblade with Blood Debt could do a much quicker job of speedrunning a loss...

AURORA KYNKOR!

Congratulations, Aurora (no, not that Aurora). You don’t win anything, but if you play the ambient sound of a crowd cheering in the background it will feel like you’ve won a prize. You’ve done an honourable service for all the fans of losing games out there, may they find peace and meaning in this hostile world.

To the rest of you, have you got what it takes to make Cadaverous Contraband Uzuri a threat worth getting a restraining order against? Have you been taking home the bacon with Moon Wish Sun Kiss Verdance? Does your reds-only Iyslander deck go harder than eating shredded cheese straight out of the bag at 3AM? Submit your deck to the form below and you could become the next Landfill Legend!

I’m going to go wash my hands now… catch you in the next Dumpster Dive!